Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Updates and of course...a rant...

So before I really get into what I plan on this post being about, I'll do a little update.

Pregnancy #2-
Is KICKING my butt! I mean, seriously...it is wiping me out. This little bugger is sucking all the energy out of me. I'm officially 10 weeks today, but I go to the doctors August 3rd for another sonogram for dating. So, I may just get a 3rd due date then. So far its been February 14Th and now it's the 9Th. So well see...oh and I have a great girl's name..but for a boy, having a bit of a hard time. No one likes Oliver...I think it's adorable.

Gage-
Well, Gage is awesome he is saying more and more. He is also becoming quite the turd. Really, he is a stinker and a half. The other day I was telling him not to do something and I went "Uh ahh, no no" and he whipped around and while continuing what he was doing said me to "uh ahh AHHH" with a little devilish smile. Like I said, turd.

Things are all over right now with what is going on for the fall with Gage. Thanks to Pyramids closing I'm sure there are many people going through this too. Right now I am hoping to get Gage in an 8:1:1 room, but its going to be hard, I'm sure. So anyway...let me keep this short and give a little status report on Gage's new things. I'll copy and paste from the last post and put the new things in bold.

So as of right now Gage with say:

No, Yeeeeah(yeah), Rake, Niiii(night), Baaawl(ball), hi, by-eeee(bye), Caynedee(candy), Paine(Plane), Hoo Hoo(woo hoo)..Bahbumbowlbee(bumblebee), Dahdahdee(daddy), Mamomby(mommy), Mama, Mahmeembee(Meme..(my mother)), Waaah(want), Dow(down), Baybabee(baby), and again..some random other things mixed in there....

Gage can sign:
More, all done, down, eat, want, drink, candy, thank you, please, rocket, help, swing..again, some others on occasion..he is also now doing water, sit and blowing kisses, waving hi and bye

So, there is some progress..not that everything is 100% consistent..but it's getting there.

Ok..there is my update..now on to the meat and potatoes of this blog....

I have been thinking lately about a certain topic. Deadbeat dads. Now you may be wondering "Barbie, why the heck are you thinking about this?". Well..for a few reasons...for one, I have been talking to a friend of mine..I wont name names, because its no ones business. Her child has a deadbeat father and boy is he a doozie of a deadbeat. There is that and of course the fact that I also have one. Most of my friends know about this, but let me give a quick history so you can understand where I am coming from with what I am going to write.

My mother was young when she had me. She turned 19 two months after having me, so she was 18 when I was born. She met my father through her sister. Now, let me try to explain this so it doesn't sound wrong. My mother;s blood sister married a man..ok, he has a brother. So basically think two blood sisters dating two blood brothers. There isn't any mixing of genes or family stuff...there was no inbreeding. I have to explain that because when I simply say my father is my uncle's brother..it doesn't sound quite right. Now you get it? Ok..good, moving on. My mother met my father through my aunt and uncle. I don't know a lot about the courtship or if there even was one. I do know this, she moved to Kansas to be with him and was going to high school out there. He was in the military and he was not the nicest person. She left him because of certain reasons and unknown to her, she left Kansas with a carry on in her belly...me. So, I was SOOO not planned, obviously. Ok..so to cut this a little short, basically he was told she was pregnant and he denied everything. He claimed that she slept with some 80 year old that lived downstairs. Now, I know my mother and there is no way in hell that would have happened. Eww. He just didn't want to take responsibility. I'm sure part of that is because he was divorced and already had one child he didn't bother with (a son). Long story short, he always denied me, my mother never went after him for anything (her words: "I didn't need that bastard's money" lol) and I saw him all through out my childhood. Not as a father/daughter thing...oh no, but since it was my uncle's brother and I was with my cousin's a lot. Whenever there was any function and I went with them, he was there and ignored me the entire time. I was the pink elephant in the room, or so it felt to me. So I never had a father, second set of grandparents or anything like that. I had my mom, gram and my mother's side of the family. Not that I am complaining...

Now before I get into my little rant, let me give you one more bit of info on my background on this. I had never spoken to my father (or as I like to call him, the sperm donor..useless sack of air..whatever you prefer). I finally spoke to him for the first time at my cousin's wedding (it's her uncle..remember from above?). So, this was..if I remember correctly 22 years in the making and he saw me walking by and waved me to come over. Apparently, alcohol gives you some morals/balls/whatever. So, I went over..oh and poor Justin was there too..lol. Now, if you are going to talk to your child for the first time EVER what is the first thing you would say to her? I am guessing it would not be the following..."So, were you a jock in school?" HUH? A JOCK?!?! Are you that much of an idiot? Apparently he is, because that is the first thing my father ever said to me. Great memory to have, right? So, we talked for a little bit..basically I told him that I thought he was a coward and selfish. I also told him he had no idea what I thought/felt/went through as a child up to that point. He went on about how "Oh, I didn't know..blah blah" basically saying how he didn't know if I was his. So I threw out my ace. My mother's blood type is O, mine is A+. So I said to him "What is your blood type?", he responds "A+". So, being my sarcastic self...I responded with "Well what the hell do you know, I think we have a bingo!". He looks at me confused, so I say "Well, isn't it odd that you "never knew" but we have the same exact blood type and my mothers isn't...not to mention that I am taller than her(like him), have curly hair(no one oh her side has natural curls), I have larger feet (like him)" and I went on and on. Well..needless to say, he didn't know what to say to me. Oh wait, except this..."Wow, you have quite the attitude don't you?". No, I did not just make that up..that's what he said, the dumb ass. So, I respond with "Well what the F@$K do you expect me to have? Do you expect me to be all rainbows and sunshine (again with the sarcasm, lol)? I grew up wondering what the hell was wrong with me, wondering why I wasn't good enough to have a father, why couldnt I get a birthday card and then I realized that you were the one missing out. You are the one that is the loser. Of course I have an attitude and rightfully so, jackass." lol..oh, and this entire time Justin is still standing there..poor poor Justin. Well..through it all, I shut him up and that was the first and last time I talked to him. That was when I was 22...I'm almost 28. I guess maybe when I am 42 I can look for another confrontation. So there is the Cliff's Notes of the history, the "meat" if you will...now on to the "potatoes".

So, as you could understand talking to my friend about her situation and her child gets me all fired up. I of course, empathize with her but sympathize with her child. I know all too well what her child is going to go through as the years go on. I just don't understand one thing, I am sure it will never be answered. How is it a man can produce a child and just leave it? Not all men, I know that..but some..way too many do. From my understanding there are a few types of deadbeat dads.

1-Men who were with the women, had the baby..stayed around and then poof, one day they are gone.

2-Men who hear the word pregnant and run off.

3-Men who do one of the above and then decided to come in and out of the child's life confusing the hell out of it and making matters worse.

I don't understand how these people(let's face it, they are not men, barely boys) can not have any emotions. I know a lot of them blame the woman and that's why they are not around. Well..excuse me, I don't care how crazy/mean/bitchy/psycho/controlling/weird/whatever someone may be, that is your flesh and blood..your hatred towards the mother shouldn't keep you away. You only have to deal with the woman for seconds at a time. Its YOUR child, man up and take responsibility.

How the hell can they look themselves in the mirror? Especially the ones that buy things for themselves and work under the table so they don't have to provide for their children. All of this while in most cases the mothers are working 2 jobs, barely making ends meet and are struggling just to buy diapers. I just don't get it.

Don't you just love when some of these people do this more than once to women? Like the ones that have kids like they are trying to make their own small country? In my case, I have 2 half brothers that I haven't actually met. I doubt I ever will.

I wish once that these guys would put themselves in the child's shoes. Do they realize that there are many things that will go through their heads? Some of them being:

-Why doesn't he love me?
-What is wrong with me?
-Why cant I have a father?
-Why is my family different?
-Did I do something wrong?

Of course there are many more. Do they realize that many of these children will feel like something is missing? Maybe they know that it is in NO way their fault but there will always be unresolved feelings. There are things that mother's just cant do like a father can. Another example: I played softball for years. My mother and grandmother tried to practice with me, but gram wasn't so sporty and my mother worked all the time. Key time for a male to step in.

I remember growing up envious of my friends who had fathers. Not so much for the sake of having a father, but because of that bond girls are "supposed" to have with them. I always what I would do if I got married...who would dance with me for that special dance, who would give me away..all that stuff.

Do these "men" ever think of that kind of stuff? I say, if you can't take care of your responsibilities then you shouldn't have sex. Go get neutered, you don't deserve the child you helped produce and you damn sure don't need to make any more.

Now, I am not bitter towards men. I know for all the deadbeats out there there are plenty of men who do care for their children and provide for them. I think people that have had that and had that male role model then good for you. I'm glad you got to experience that. I'm glad my children are going to have that, especially because I didn't.

I will say one thing though, I don't think its because of the deadbeats, or that they get credit for it..but these children that have to go through this are going to grow up being some of the strongest kids around. I say this because they are going have one strong role model, their mom's. I know I wouldn't be half the person I am today if it wasn't for my mother and grandmother. I wouldn't want the life I would have had if my mother and idiot were together. It would have sucked! These children get to watch their mother's, the good and the bad and I bet you anything that the majority of these children will grow up to be more responsible, level headed and mature than those the same age. Do I think this is a reason to not have a parent around, of course not! I am just saying that in many cases these children are going to be strong individuals because of the hardships, that's all.

I don't know, I know I blabbed a lot...and maybe a lot of it doesn't make sense, this whole topic just angers me. I just think about that child and what is going to happen. Its something that no matter how much comforting a mother gives, she cant resolve these feelings and questions. Hell, I know that it is in no way my fault but 27 years later and I still have unresolved feelings...but mostly I want to kick him in the balls for being a douche.