Random things at 4 am

So, it is 4:40 am...You may be asking yourself "Why in the heck is she still awake" well...lately I've been having a little insomnia and just cant get myself to fall asleep at a normal time. This time though, I stayed up to finish some laundry for Justin so he would have some work clothes. I know, I'm so darn sweet. Well, there was that and just for some reason I couldnt get my mind to stop working. I finally decided I was tired and tried to go to bed around 2. I layed in bed for what seemed like 10 minutes and heard random noises. Of course, I starting really listening and imaging someone is downstairs and then my mind starts really going. Then I hear a few thumps. I layed there a little longer and decided I better go check on Gage. Maybe he rolled off his bed. So, I get up and check on him. Sure enough it was him, he didnt fall off but was laying there with the pillow over his head and his blanket a little too over his face for my liking. Maybe I'm a little too afraid of suffocation. So, I took the pillow, which he fought for, but I won. He was asleep while fighting... or so I thought. I look down after my pillow victory to see a little devilish grin looking back up at me. So I figure I'll lay with him and get him back to sleep....well that didnt work. He woke up around 3 and after about an hour of him rolling around, petting my head and saying hi over and over to me we came downstairs. So now we're watching The Backyardigans and hes happy as can be. I'm actually so tired that I'm not even tired anymore. Sitting here though got me thinking, well I actually was thinking this when I was lying in bed, but whatever.
I was thinking about one of my last blogs, the one about Gage. I know I'm not angry now. I actually wasnt really angry for long. I allowed myself to be mad and "greve" for about 2 days-if that. I realized that I didnt lose anything. Gage is still Gage, he is no different than he ever was. I dont know any other Gage, so I'm not losing what he might not be or anything like that. I'm actually learning more about who Gage is and understanding him alot better than I ever could have without this diagnosis. What I mean is, autism doesnt define him, but learning about it helps alot to know why he does some of the things he does. It has helped me gain more patence and understanding of other peoples kids too. I realize that some of Gage's things are just plain ol' 2 year old things and some are not. His little fits because he found a Christmas present and he cant have it now or because he cant get his way...well thats the 2 year old talking. The kicking and crying because my mother left the room...again, the 2 year old. When he's in the car and starts laughing and making the funnest face ever, then starts moving his arms up in down...that would be the autism. It's called stimming, and boy does Gage ever stim. Its not a bad thing, its a soothing thing for him. Ever see when Gage gets "excited" and makes his little squeals and moves his arms like hes just the most excited boy ever? Thats him stimming. I think its adorable and if it soothes him, let him go for it. Of course Gage has his bad days. In compairison to some, they are nothing. He rarely has tantrums, is very loving-I get about 100 kisses and hugs a day just because, he has one great sense of humor and likes to be a little turd, and loves to hang out. The only real chalenges each day are his speech and his diet.
Gage is a very fussy eater and its hard to get him to eat much more than hot dogs, sausage, chicken(only breaded, he wont touch anything else), granola bars, cereal bars, peanut butter sandwiches, cereal and funyons. It makes for a limited meal menu thats for sure. I'm always worried hes not getting enough to eat, or enough nutrients. I need to find a way to sneak what he is missing in the foods he will eat. He used to eat pasta but now he wont touch it. I think its a texture thing. He wont use utensils, well maybe not wont-but maybe cant. I think he could but he doesnt. So any food that is wet, he wont eat because he doesnt like to touch it.
It's still a little sad to think that he used to say different things and has now lost them. He goes through phases where he will say one thing all the time, and then its gone. He used to say Ma and De(mom and dad), bye, no, Pablo(a backyardigan) and a few other things, but now it is few and far between. Occationaly he will let out a few things like ball, nana(banana), go-go-go, momo(nemo), roral(his way of saying Coral, again from Nemo-when he loses his wife) but it depends. Its so hard to unlock his words. You can tell he so badly wants to speak but just cant figure out how. I truly believe he knows the words but its almost like they are in a locked box and he doesnt have the key to open it.
He really loves music and art. Which of course suits me just fine. He loves to color and listen to any kind of music. The only thing that sucks...he doesnt like purple. Can you believe that?!? I guess he didnt get that gene..lol. His occupational therapist tried to give him a purple crayon and he screamed until she gave him a different color. Once she did then everything was fine. He wanted a blue crayon....little turd.
Of course I would just love one day for Gage to come out with a clear sentence, or even better yet to be undiagnosed...but we'll see what happens. I am getting sick of people who dont understand and just say well maybe he will snap out of it. Its not like that people! Its not like I can just turn an autism switch off and on. If I could dont you think it would be glued in the off position? Luckly we have all been lucky enough to be surrounded by people that are understanding and not treating him any differently. Everyone treats him just as Gage, nothing more, nothing less. I will say that I am so glad that Gage is diagnosed with the most mild form and doesnt really show any signs of anything more extreme.
He recieves so many services right now though that its hard to do much of anything. Usually 2-3 visits each day, just about every day. I wish we had more time to go and do things. It kind of makes me feel like I'm denying him fun things because we're always busy with other things. I feel like I should be bringing him to Mc Donalds to play at the play land, Santa's workshop, playgroups, outside to play in the snow...or just to do something. Other times I just feel like a bad mom because I'm so tired that when we could do something I just dont want to leave. Having the cast hasnt helped either. I feel like I should be talking to him more, playing more..just interacting more with him. I am just so drained that I feel like its not enough. I feel like I need to be doing my own therapy when the therapists are here...I know that that is more than alot do, but it doesnt seem like I'm doing what I need to do. I dont know.
I do know that is is 5:30 and this is VERY long...so I should stop now...The Backyardigans are done and now we are watching Oobi....fun times